I have trouble sitting back and letting things flow. Like many of us who married on the young side, I’m new at dating, or at least at dating for a relationship.
because I don’t really know how to BE, or how to be just me on a date. What I mean is, I’m so obsessed with getting the relationship, I find it nearly impossible to stay present in the date. The fact that I spent most of my post-college, adult life married is a good place to start.
Dating is just you experimenting and testing both yourself and each person you go out with. Sometimes you’ll be ready for the date to end before you’ve finished saying “Hi.” Regardless, dating can be an incredibly enriching (and fabulous) part of your life after divorce.—Originally Published on Dr Karen Finn.com—◊♦◊◊♦◊Get the best stories from The Good Men Project delivered straight to your inbox, here.
___I’ve been married and divorced twice, so I know a bit about relationships, but I’m not all that good at dating … When I was last on the scene, my goal was sex, not establishing relationship compatibility.
But doing that is harder than it sounds—much harder—because … But the root of my impatience, which I’m just now understanding, is my need to preemptively project a potential relationship with my date, to focus on an imaginary future of couplehood.
I suppose I could date for casual sex now, but those kinds of hookups are not what I want.
(Yeah, it really does take two for a relationship to bust. Maybe your goal is hooking up, validating that you’re desirable, companionship, finding a relationship, or searching for your soul mate.
Sure your part may just be that you chose to marry your ex, but you gotta take responsibility for it.)And finally, being over your divorce means you can talk about something else besides your divorce or your ex or your child support or … Being ready to date means that you’ve spent some time creating a new post-divorce life that you are enjoying.2. Although it is possible to pursue more than one goal at a time, you’ll have the best luck if you can narrow it down.
Being healed from your divorce also means that you understand why your marriage failed and your part in it.Profiles are full of positive messages just like your fortune cookie after a nice Chinese dinner.You see things in the words and pictures that cn fire up your imagination, but it’s 100% made up.You aren’t going to know everything about someone immediately and it’s really helpful to have others to compare and contrast them with. But if it starts to feel like work or begins to take up too much of your time, then you need to step back.